Fear Doesn’t Always Shout—Sometimes It Just Waits for You to Fold
Fear is tricky.
It doesn’t always arrive with a slam or a scream.
Sometimes, it just… hovers.
A pause in a conversation. A tightening in your stomach.
A quiet signal that says:
“You’d better not push back.”
This is the first tool in the blackmailer’s emotional toolkit: Fear.
🌫️ The F in FOG
In Emotional Blackmail, Dr. Susan Forward introduced the concept of FOG:
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt—the three emotional levers used to manipulate and control.
Today, we’re focusing on the F:
- Fear of their anger
- Fear of their rejection
- Fear of disapproval
- Fear of abandonment
- And most quietly… fear of diminishment
💥 Let’s Talk About Diminishment
You may already recognize the big red flags:
Explosions, criticism, silent treatment.
But there’s a quieter kind of cruelty—
The feeling that you’re always “less than.”
This hit home for me.
Growing up, I experienced constant disapproval and painful comparisons.
The message? I was never enough—no matter how hard I tried.
That kind of fear lingers.
Later in life, I caught myself adjusting, pleasing, staying small—just to avoid that same old feeling.
The emotional blackmailer doesn’t have to say much.
They only have to trigger the fear you already carry.
🧠 Why We Fold – Even When It Hurts
Dr. Susan Forward asked her readers to consider a powerful question in her work:
“When I give in to someone who is pressuring me, I do it because…”
The top responses were:
- I’m afraid of their disapproval
- I’m afraid of their anger
- I’m afraid they’ll leave or stop loving me
This is where fear gets its grip.
And once it takes hold, we adjust. We say yes when we mean no. We stay when we want to leave. We quiet our truth to keep the peace.
🛑 The Imagined Consequences
A lot of fear we feel in these moments comes from mental catastrophes—
Images in our heads of terrible things that might happen.
We think:
- “They’ll leave and I’ll be alone forever.”
- “They’ll explode and I’ll feel horrible.”
- “They’ll punish me somehow—I just know it.”
And so, we fold. Not because it’s safe, but because it feels safer than the unknown.
🌱 The First Step Out
Fear is powerful—but it’s not final.
The first step to freedom is recognizing what the fear is really about.
For me, that meant understanding that I was still reacting to childhood disapproval—long after the voices had gone silent.
I had to learn not to retaliate.
Not to explain myself.
Not to keep trying to win someone’s love.
Instead, I started listening to me.
💬 A Gentle Note
If you’re struggling with fear, emotional overwhelm, or depression—please know this:
You are not alone.
And you are allowed to reach out for help.
Sometimes the first act of courage is learning about us and it’s naming what’s really happening.
Awareness clears the fog.
And from there, the journey begins.