The Narcissist Snake’s Goal: O is for Obligation

Emotional Blackmail and the “O” of Obligation

Dr. Susan Forward said it best:

“I wish somebody could assign us to obligation brackets the way the government assigns us to tax brackets.”

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Instead, we spend years trying to figure out obligation:

How much is enough?

When am I allowed to say no?

Why do I feel selfish for having boundaries?

Remember this:

Obligation is taught. It’s not natural.

We aren’t born with it—it’s handed to us.

My Own Obligation Story

I was raised to be a giver.

When I was young, I had to share my allowance with my sister—because she spent hers immediately and I didn’t. That’s when I first learned that being responsible meant being responsible… for someone else.

It didn’t stop there.

Later, as a very young woman, I bought a house—and had to sign away half-ownership because I wasn’t “of age” (21) at the time.

And then came the “obey” part of marriage vows.

I learned to put myself last—because somewhere in the background, the lesson was:

“A good woman sacrifices.”

I carried that mindset for years.

Maybe someone reading this knows exactly what I mean.

Here is a Way to Break Free From That Thinking

Dr. Forward offers a brilliant question to interrupt the mental cycle:

WHERE IS IT WRITTEN…?

Seriously—ask yourself:

WHERE IS IT WRITTEN that I have to drop everything and help them?

WHERE IS IT WRITTEN that I must come running when they call?

WHERE IS IT WRITTEN that I have to spend my holidays pleasing someone else’s family?

WHERE IS IT WRITTEN that I can’t put my own needs, joy, or boundaries first?

Spoiler alert:

It isn’t written anywhere.

We just believed it was… because someone said so.

Or snorted at us in line at the grocery store when we didn’t donate.

How the Narcissist Plays This Card of Obligation

Everyone has their own lens, their own emotional blueprint.

But the narcissist? They don’t just have a lens—they have a prism that distorts reality to protect themselves from shame.

They can’t tolerate feeling “bad” or “wrong,” so they push that feeling onto you.

You end up carrying their shame—feeling like you’ve failed them when all you did was choose yourself.

And the more obligation you carry, the easier it is for them to hook you.

Self Reflection Is Where We See How The Snake Hooks Us

Sometimes it starts with just noticing what’s going on.

Ask: “Where did I learn this idea of obligation?”

Was it a parent? A religion? A first marriage? A lifetime of small, accumulated lessons?

When you name it, you can change it.

For me, the real shift came when I traced my obligation back to shame—that old wound of “not good enough.”

Once I accepted that, I could see what was happening.

And once I saw it?

Getting away from that dynamic suddenly felt doable.

A Gentle Note

If this stirred something deep—maybe sadness, maybe clarity—know that support is available.

Talking to someone trained to help you unravel these patterns can be the first act of true self-care.

You don’t owe anyone your peace.

Not today. Not anymore.

If this landed for you, come back tomorrow—

G is for Guilt- it is the final chapter of this series.

And it’s a big one.